The incident happened nine months ago, the amount of time they say it takes to form a human baby, though sometimes it is longer, and often it is less. For example I was born 2 weeks early and my brother was born 2 weeks late and I have heard that the actual gestation time is more like 10 months anyway if you count that it takes time for the fertilization to even happen.

Nine months ago was when this creature came back, she asked if we could be friends, and of course I said yes, I mean I have historically been a sucker for that kind of thing. And then after that when I was back from visiting home and she came over and we kissed in my bed and we tried to undress and touch each other but we laughed so much that I said let’s try again another time, I can’t do this, we’re too funny. And I wasn’t sure if we would go again, but I was willing to see what happened, willing to maybe try again.

And we were out together, friends and friends of friends, we saw each other at the show and went to get drinks afterwards, and I felt like I had the best friends ever, this world we live in, with a weird and wonderful mix of people and we make it work, and I went home with her that night, sort of thinking nothing of it, sort of feeling like it wasn’t a big deal. She woke up in my bed, and watching her get dressed I thought, I do not want her to go, so I went to get coffee with her, and then I walked her down the street, and soon I had walked her almost all the way home, and I was late for work.

And then again the next weekend, I went to the event with our friends and she sat with me on the couch, and put her hand on my thigh, and it was nice, just to be in public and witnessed being tended to like that, and also because we were the girls and we were in what is a bit of a rare space, actually, where most people there would never have batted an eye.

Our friends asked me about her, and I told them we were going to be friends with benefits but not date—was that the night that it turned into her birthday while we were together? I don’t remember but I remember walking back to her house holding hands, and me standing in the kitchen drinking my water, and we laid back down on the bed, and I loved the shirt she was wearing, beige button down, oversized, with some kind of camisole underneath, which was basically the exact same thing I was wearing, plus we were both wearing black jeans, and we laughed while we pulled them down, and it was her birthday, and we laughed.

And she told me she had almost called me mommy, when she was going down on me, and that she actually had said it, against my inner thigh, just so faintly that I couldn’t hear her maybe, and I said I almost called myself mommy that time, too. She said I wonder if it was at the same time that we were thinking that.

And then when we were falling asleep my heart started racing again, and I wanted to reach out and kiss her but I also wanted her to be able to sleep, and I felt like I did as a child at a sleepover, the last one awake, so I didn’t know what to do, I lightly caressed my hand over but not under the t-shirt and then took her hand in mine and listened to the sound of her deepening breath and maybe that was when, even as I say it, I can see that maybe that was when, when it changed and I was ready or thinking about being ready for something else or something more.
In the morning I walked home through the park and stopped to buy coffee, happy, to be walking through the park on an autumn day with the leaves like that.

And were we to be together, I imagine, she will be compromising on some stuff to be with me, and giving up things, and maybe she is looking around and thinking I do not want to give these things up, I liked these things. And in theory I want to say, have those things, darling, you can have them and also be with me. But maybe she can not. I could understand that. And then a voice says no, never leave me, that I might run my hand along your body over your t-shirt as you are falling asleep and marvel at the fact that you are here, this creature in bed with me with your face and body, perfect.

And I can recall that time when I thought, you do not want this, you do not want this obligation, you do not want to have another person in your bed. Sometimes she holds my face and says, it is not normal for a person to be this beautiful, look at this face. And I think, she must not be serious, I wonder what she is looking at to make her say such a thing.